Here is an email exchange between my husband and me. I know that email is not the healthiest of forums for a high tension discussion but I was extremely hurt and angry and wanted him to know that. I didn't think I could wait until I got home at 7:00 pm to have a rational conversation. As it turns out, the email exchange was a bad idea.
Background: my husband gave me disapproving looks and made a comment while I was eating breakfast this morning. Apparently my weight gain is an issue for him. Also, I feel defensive about this issue but I feel it is important to clarify that I have gone up one clothing size since we began dating 6 years ago. I have gone from an American size 4 to a 6. I am not obese. I have gained weight in my stomach and hips.
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First email from me to him:
I am also still annoyed about this morning, to be honest. You always do that. When I am eating bagels - and therefore chewing loudly - you give me "the look". "the look" that lets me know you disapprove greatly of the noise that I am making. That there is something wrong or bad about the way I am eating. It needs to stop. I cannot take the "the look" anymore. It is a horrible thing to do to someone.
I don't chew with my mouth open. I don't make the noise all the time. It just happens with bagels. So, if you don't like it, I am sorry you could say something in a nice and respectful manner but "the look" makes me want to punch you in the face.
Also, the comment about the massive amount of bulk that I was eating that morning was not nice. It wasn't funny. It wasn't joking around. It was a terrible thing to say. You were commenting on how much I was eating. I don't think it is fair. I don't comment on how much you eat. I go to the gym. I don't think what you did was a nice thing.
If I can accept that on some level I made the tea comment to be controlling, you need to accept that your comment was controlling as well.
I hate writing this via email and I apologise for that. But I am so angry with you, that I cried on the way to work. That is how crap it made me feel.
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His response:
I was thinking about it on the way to work this morning also, and yes, it was a controlling comment. I didn't say it deliberately, but it was in the back of my mind.
One of the things that bothers me is that you seem to be constantly upset about your weight and I know that you are going to the gym, and trying to do something about it. It appears to me that you are not happy with something about that side of things - I don't want to comment on exactly what that is because I don't know exactly, but I know that you're not happy about it, and quite frankly neither am I.
There are two reasons I am not happy and those are that you are not happy about it, and because you have changed in that area. I mean don't get me wrong I have put on a little weight too. I completely understand that I have absolutely no right to tell anybody else how to live their lives, what to eat etc.
It doesn't bother me that you eat, it doesn't bother me that you eat shit sometimes. But when I put that together with the knowledge that you are unhappy about it, it bothers me greatly. It's like you know that it's not helping, but you do it anyway. But hey, I guess we are all guilty of that. I mean smoking is hardly the best elixir is it?
So yes, the comment was controlling, and yes the "look" is controlling too I guess.
I was also thinking about the tea thing. Now when I was growing up it was common practice in my family to drink both tea and coffee late at night.
To move from that environment where is was not only not frowned upon, but positively encouraged, to an environment with you where it is actively discouraged is a difficult thing to process. I really don't think it makes a difference right now if I do or I don't drink tea late at night - especially to you, the only person it affects is me.
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My response:
Your comments about my food consumption were insensitive and cruel. You know that I think about my weight and that it bothers me. Don't you think that I would have a plan if I was eating the bagel and cream cheese? I eat the fat earlier in the day in order to process better. Eating porridge with blueberries and yogurt for lunch. Chicken and salad for dinner. I have two cups of coffee and two liters of water a day. That is not someone that is gluttonous.
Sorry that I have put on weight but when we started dating, I was 24. I am now 30. Yes, I am going to put on weight. You have gained weight. You have also grown hair. You are nearly covered - a yeti! Also, the smoking. I don't say anything. I leave it.
These are both things that we could pick on each other for, but we should not. Because it hurts. You really really hurt my feelings this morning.
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His response:
Does the fact that I am hairier now bother you?
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My response:
No, it doesn't bother me. That is not the point of me writing that.
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His response:
The point of mentioning something is because it bothers you.
I know it's important to me to work out how much, and why it bothers me before I say something.
But the smoking does bother you doesn't it?
The point of me saying something to you is not directly, in this case, for you to change it, but for me to make you aware that it bothers me.
Then at least you know how I feel about something. And I am not hiding it.
--------------------
My response:
You know, there are a lot of ways of saying something without doing what you did. It was wrong and you need to acknowledge it. If not to me, at least yourself. You were cruel. Deal with it.
Yes, the smoking bothers me. I have always made that clear. But I don't say anything anymore because that was agreed. You smoke, I deal.
Sorry that my weight gain bothers you. I am handling it the best way that I can. I eat sensibly, exercising and most of all, trying not to get stressed about it or starve myself. There are better ways to say it.
---------------------
His response:
I have already said these three things in separate emails today:
"It was not the best way to say it."
"and yes, it was a controlling comment."
"So yes, the comment was controlling, and yes the "look" is controlling too"
I accept your point about saying something in a very insensitive way. Perhaps you could tell me how I could have said something
----------------------
My response:
If it really is an issue, and not you being controlling, take an opportunity to say it when I am not eating.
Not only does it hurt my feelings but it makes me nervous to eat around you. Now, I associate you with watching what I eat. If I want to eat something in front of you, I am going to think, is he judging.
If the weight bothers you mention it separately, later that night when I have just come home from the gym. Saying something like, "Hey, I noticed that you go to the gym but do you think eating things like bagels with cheese are adding to the problem?"
Or "You know when we talked about sex the other day, well part of the issue is being physically attracted to you. You have gained weight and I am finding myself less attracted to you".
-------------------
His:
It is a real issue, part of it was me being controlling, because of what I believe and how I feel.
Do you think you are able to take on any of those points, or would you need me to reiterate them at some point?
------------------
My:
No, thanks. I think you have made those points very clear.
Background: my husband gave me disapproving looks and made a comment while I was eating breakfast this morning. Apparently my weight gain is an issue for him. Also, I feel defensive about this issue but I feel it is important to clarify that I have gone up one clothing size since we began dating 6 years ago. I have gone from an American size 4 to a 6. I am not obese. I have gained weight in my stomach and hips.
----------------------
First email from me to him:
I am also still annoyed about this morning, to be honest. You always do that. When I am eating bagels - and therefore chewing loudly - you give me "the look". "the look" that lets me know you disapprove greatly of the noise that I am making. That there is something wrong or bad about the way I am eating. It needs to stop. I cannot take the "the look" anymore. It is a horrible thing to do to someone.
I don't chew with my mouth open. I don't make the noise all the time. It just happens with bagels. So, if you don't like it, I am sorry you could say something in a nice and respectful manner but "the look" makes me want to punch you in the face.
Also, the comment about the massive amount of bulk that I was eating that morning was not nice. It wasn't funny. It wasn't joking around. It was a terrible thing to say. You were commenting on how much I was eating. I don't think it is fair. I don't comment on how much you eat. I go to the gym. I don't think what you did was a nice thing.
If I can accept that on some level I made the tea comment to be controlling, you need to accept that your comment was controlling as well.
I hate writing this via email and I apologise for that. But I am so angry with you, that I cried on the way to work. That is how crap it made me feel.
---------------------
His response:
I was thinking about it on the way to work this morning also, and yes, it was a controlling comment. I didn't say it deliberately, but it was in the back of my mind.
One of the things that bothers me is that you seem to be constantly upset about your weight and I know that you are going to the gym, and trying to do something about it. It appears to me that you are not happy with something about that side of things - I don't want to comment on exactly what that is because I don't know exactly, but I know that you're not happy about it, and quite frankly neither am I.
There are two reasons I am not happy and those are that you are not happy about it, and because you have changed in that area. I mean don't get me wrong I have put on a little weight too. I completely understand that I have absolutely no right to tell anybody else how to live their lives, what to eat etc.
It doesn't bother me that you eat, it doesn't bother me that you eat shit sometimes. But when I put that together with the knowledge that you are unhappy about it, it bothers me greatly. It's like you know that it's not helping, but you do it anyway. But hey, I guess we are all guilty of that. I mean smoking is hardly the best elixir is it?
So yes, the comment was controlling, and yes the "look" is controlling too I guess.
I was also thinking about the tea thing. Now when I was growing up it was common practice in my family to drink both tea and coffee late at night.
To move from that environment where is was not only not frowned upon, but positively encouraged, to an environment with you where it is actively discouraged is a difficult thing to process. I really don't think it makes a difference right now if I do or I don't drink tea late at night - especially to you, the only person it affects is me.
--------------------
My response:
Your comments about my food consumption were insensitive and cruel. You know that I think about my weight and that it bothers me. Don't you think that I would have a plan if I was eating the bagel and cream cheese? I eat the fat earlier in the day in order to process better. Eating porridge with blueberries and yogurt for lunch. Chicken and salad for dinner. I have two cups of coffee and two liters of water a day. That is not someone that is gluttonous.
Sorry that I have put on weight but when we started dating, I was 24. I am now 30. Yes, I am going to put on weight. You have gained weight. You have also grown hair. You are nearly covered - a yeti! Also, the smoking. I don't say anything. I leave it.
These are both things that we could pick on each other for, but we should not. Because it hurts. You really really hurt my feelings this morning.
------------------
His response:
Does the fact that I am hairier now bother you?
--------------------
My response:
No, it doesn't bother me. That is not the point of me writing that.
-------------------
His response:
The point of mentioning something is because it bothers you.
I know it's important to me to work out how much, and why it bothers me before I say something.
But the smoking does bother you doesn't it?
The point of me saying something to you is not directly, in this case, for you to change it, but for me to make you aware that it bothers me.
Then at least you know how I feel about something. And I am not hiding it.
--------------------
My response:
You know, there are a lot of ways of saying something without doing what you did. It was wrong and you need to acknowledge it. If not to me, at least yourself. You were cruel. Deal with it.
Yes, the smoking bothers me. I have always made that clear. But I don't say anything anymore because that was agreed. You smoke, I deal.
Sorry that my weight gain bothers you. I am handling it the best way that I can. I eat sensibly, exercising and most of all, trying not to get stressed about it or starve myself. There are better ways to say it.
---------------------
His response:
I have already said these three things in separate emails today:
"It was not the best way to say it."
"and yes, it was a controlling comment."
"So yes, the comment was controlling, and yes the "look" is controlling too"
I accept your point about saying something in a very insensitive way. Perhaps you could tell me how I could have said something
----------------------
My response:
If it really is an issue, and not you being controlling, take an opportunity to say it when I am not eating.
Not only does it hurt my feelings but it makes me nervous to eat around you. Now, I associate you with watching what I eat. If I want to eat something in front of you, I am going to think, is he judging.
If the weight bothers you mention it separately, later that night when I have just come home from the gym. Saying something like, "Hey, I noticed that you go to the gym but do you think eating things like bagels with cheese are adding to the problem?"
Or "You know when we talked about sex the other day, well part of the issue is being physically attracted to you. You have gained weight and I am finding myself less attracted to you".
-------------------
His:
It is a real issue, part of it was me being controlling, because of what I believe and how I feel.
Do you think you are able to take on any of those points, or would you need me to reiterate them at some point?
------------------
My:
No, thanks. I think you have made those points very clear.
posted by Heidi at 3:48 PM
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