It is hard with the relationship over in words but not in action. He is still coming home every night. He is spending time with me.

The obvious difference is that he is now sleeping on the couch.

It makes it hard to break away.

I love him so much, how can he walk away from that?

I think there is someone else.

My husband went out to meet his mate and he has a receipt from the bar for 3 coronas and 2 martini and rossis. I don't know that his friend drinks martini and rossis.

Plus, he has come home with two France getaway catalogues.

I don't know if I am ready to talk about everything - especially to have it make sense. It is all so fresh, and all I feel is sad. It feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest.

But I will try...

Things have been a bit weird since the end of January. I went away for a month to work in Sri Lanka and when I returned my husband was weird. Asking me if I wanted kids, etc.

Then more recently he has been withdrawing, and he said things like, "I don't want to wake up 20 years from now and think 'that was my life'".

His mom died shortly after his parents retired, therefore never allowing them that retirement together that they dreamed of. I think that has affected him. I think that the feeling of normality like decent jobs and a mortgage have scared him into reacting. He now thinks that he needs to do things now to change his life. Perhaps those things don't include me, I guess they don't.

He is unhappy and I cannot make him that way.

I dreaded telling my family. I thought about how they would react. How it would impact their lives and I didn't want to deal with someone else's issues on top of mine. (I just thought I don't want to deal with them and their reactions. )

Tonight, my mom came through for me when I spoke to her. She said, "just remember who you are. Just be that person". That was great. It was just wanted I wanted to hear.

I know that somewhere down the line, things will be okay again but now, everything just hurts.

An excerpt from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran, "Joy and Sorrow"

Then a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow."
And he answered: Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.

Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

I never met anyone like my husband that I matched so perfectly with.

I thought that it would last forever. I remember thinking that I wrestle with this guy, talk to him, laugh with him and talk about politics with him. It is great.

I felt like I had known him forever despite only being with him for a short period.

It looks now as if he wants to end the relationship because the spark is gone. So, is it him? Me? Or is it that relationship changed and he didn't realise it or he doesn't like the changes.

I love him so much. Can it really be over?

This posting isn't going to be that long or detailed. I just wanted to let you know what is happening.

My husband told me last night that our relationship is over.

He said that he feels like the there are a number of factors. He is not happy with his life, job, and our relationship. He feels like the spark is gone and he doesn't know if it will come back. So, while he is unhappy nothing will change for him.

So, he is making the decision to end our relationship. I don't know what to think. I think I am in shock. Even though he is serious and I can see the look on his face, it feels like a terrible dream that I will wake up from.

I knew that he was distant, but I thought he was just going through a mid-life crisis thing and would emerge on the other side with me. I didn't expect that it would end.

I guess the final decision came from him when he spoke to his best friend's girlfriend. She told him she was in a relationship for 11 years and stayed in it because she was comfortable. I think he was afraid of being comfortable so he has called an end to it.

I am not sure what my next steps are. I thought I would want to live in the UK at least until January so I can get my citizenship, but part of me just wants to quit my job and run away.

Time to get down to it.

Here goes. I am currently married. My husband is British and I am American. We met and became involved in the US. We were married after being together for about 3.5 years. Things were really good. We went out all the time with our mutual friends (male and female)

Then my husband, who is a software engineer, lost his job and I was finishing grad school. We decided to move to the UK.

That is when things began to change for us. When we moved to the UK, my husband couldn't get a job. I was doing an unpaid internship. Living in London, it felt like we were tremendously poor.

To make matters worse, I moved here in the winter and the small organisation that I work with was small with people who were married and older. I found it difficult to make friends.

This situation was stressful. It was just the two of us. My husband felt that he needed to be financially and emotionally supportive of me. He felt it was too much but didn't tell me that he was unhappy and kept it inside.

Then things began to change. He got a job. I got a paid job as well. We suddenly had money to go out. He began going out with his best friend's co-workers. He didn't want me to come out with them. He stated that he needed things that were just his own.

At the same time, my job began sending me on trips out of the country for long periods of time.
This is when he had time to think. He thought about himself, me, our relationship and what he wanted from life.

Upon returning from one of my trips (in late Feb), he informed me that he was not being true to himself over the past six years. That there were aspects of his personality that I didn't like and so he hid aspects and/or repressed them in order to be the person that he felt I wanted him to be.

He became distant and cold. He spent more late nights with this group of people. He became secretive with his emails and mobile phone. He withdrew from me and now, he is no longer interested in having sex with me.

I went to a couple's therapist. She said it sounds like behavior of someone who is having an affair. He insists that he isn't but his behaviour remains the same.

He claims now that this is true personality and I need to decide if I like him not just tolerate him. He started smoking again, got a tattoo and again, remains elusive in his activities.

I don't know what to do. I know the logical part of me says run away! But part of me, the part that has loved this man intensely for 6 years, says hold on. You guys can get through this.

I don't know if he was/is having an affair, but it there are indicatve behaviour that feels that way. Regardless, the point is that I don't know if he wants to be with me anymore, but he won't be the one to end it. I think he loves me and he doesn't want the responsibility of ending it. He seems more passive aggressive these days and would like to force me into a position where I make the final decision.

I feel at such a loss as to what to do.

I really love the Band, The Mummies. They are a now defunct band that self describe themselves as budget rock. They created one of my favourite songs entitled, "Stronger than Dirt", hence the title of the blog.

Here is a comment from one of their pages:

The Mummies were a stupid band.
This is their stupid Website.
You cared about them enough to get this far.
Now you are stupid too.
That's the Mummies' curse.

Intrigued? If so, check out their site.

Well, here goes...

What is the motivation for this blog?
There are a lot of reasons for starting this blog. I think the most basic and most selfish is just to write the things that are in my head. I write a lot and I think a lot and most of it goes in emails to my friends. I think that they enjoy my emails but sometimes I feel that they are too personal - mostly inner reflections - and can occassionally be too heavy even for the best of friends.

Next question, if they are too heavy and self-indulgent for friends why post them on a blog? I guess the idea is that I feel the need to tell someone my thoughts, just writing them in a journal is not releasing them. Perhaps putting them out there, even if this blog is not visited by another person, will make me feel like someone is listening.

What is the focus of this blog, the direction? I don't know. I think that they will be eccelectic entries. Sometimes, there will be music listings, links to interesting stuff, but some days it will just be junk in my head. I have another blog but it is very focused in its purpose. (It is a resource for non-Brits in London. Mostly from an American perspective.)

Why now? The leap came out of a culmination of things. I have a lot of heavy emotional items to work on and I think this might help. The other thing is that I recently read, Microserfs by Douglas Coupland and Just a Geek by Wil Wheaton. They both pose questions about different versions of ourselves being put out on the internet and debate the pros and cons around it. It inspired me to put myself out there.

Anyway, I think this might be an interesting blog. I hope anyway. Sometimes it will be lighthearted and funny, Sometimes it will be a bit sad, and Sometimes it might be a little slow. It is just the mix of me, I guess. If you happen to read it, I hope you enjoy what you read.

Thanks,
Heidi